Friday, August 12, 2011

Project Runway Episode 3 RECAP

Hallo meine freunde (my attempt at German)!

Well I missed the first twenty minutes of the episode, but I heard something about Heidi on stilts which is apparently painfully funny to other bloggers. Harharhar.
So since I check BPR much too regularly, I already have seen the runway and thus know the challenge: design an outfit for a model...on stilts.
Okay, I'm sure this idea sounded great being tossed around the table, but honestly? That's just mean! Because you can't do anything but pants because we don't want the stilt walker to trip on a floor length gown, or to see their Snooki in a short dress. Well, I shouldn't say "we" because I think that might have been hilarious.
But not only do they have to dress a giant they also have to--gasp--work in teams! A Project Runway first! Maybe there will be drama between two people who dislike each other! Maybe someone will be thrown under the bus on the Runway! Maybe the term "thrown under the bus" will be grossly overused! The possibilities are endless.
No, but here's the real twist--the runway is outside! Just hold it. Stop everything. That is absolutely...unexciting.
There are a lot of teams since there are a lot people.
My hatred for Bert continues. Not only is he OLD but he's annoying now too! He's manipulating tiny Mexican firecracker, Viktor, and has picked out some ho-ren-dous curtain fabric. In my childhood, I used to play around on Match.com (I'm normal)...Try to find the creepiest people. And I have to say, Bert legitimately IS the 50+ gay men living in Florida filter. Posing in front of Disney land, pot belly covered by a Hawaiian shirt.
But those problems do not even begin to COMPARE to grain-related issues. Suddenly, the word "grain" is being used after every word. "This grain is gain the grain difference grain between grain being grain school grain taught grain and grain self grain taught," says a substantially less cute Bryce of his partner Fallene, who has cut the fabric in the wrong direction (or not "with the grain"). She is sobbing and apologizing and I kind of needed Bryce to go all Shetangi on her. "YOU CAN CRY, BUT YOU BETTA CRY AND CUT. I NEED CHU TO CUT AT THAT RATE." Grain.
And then there is team beautifully accented Asian, or the "dream team" which consists of the two past winners. And a lot of subtitles.
RUNWAY TIME. Oh my God, there's sky above them instead of ceiling. I think I might have just fallen in love with this show all over again.
Oh wait, wait. Now I  really have. Because the guest job is Miss Kim Kardashian, and her title is "Fashion Entrepreneur." Let's be real. She has a big ass. That's why she's famous. Next time, I expect it to say: MICHAEL KORS winner of a CFTA Lifetime Achievement Award KIM KARDASHIAN big ass.
Oh wow. The whole Runway show is absolutely awful, and the stilt walkers are positive creepy. They clunk down the Runway with these long legs and short torsos, swirling their arms around like they are hailing cabs.
I am thinking the Judges are going to be having some issues on choosing just three to be in the bottom.
Back underneath a roof, the three Royal Orangeness' inform Team Beautiful (Anya and Olivier) that they are safe. They may leave the Runway...and procreate (how gorgeous would that baby be?).
In the top is Barbie and Rocking One with their bright red dress and pant combo, Kimberly and Woman with the Weird Hair and their absolutely frightening model in some kind of "well tailored" Ring Master costume, and Quiet Girls No One Cares about with their model who looks like she's headed to the mall...With a pumpkin on her head.
For a nice turn, Anthony Ryan accredits Laura Kathleen for all their success. Southern Gentleman! She takes the win and hobbles offstage in her not-so-flowy Maxi dress. She was kind of freaking me out tonight, she didn't say a word. Maybe too much collagen in her lips.
The Bottom 3 is my favorite Joshua (who complains backstage in a near Tim Gunnian accent about how everything costume-y was in the bottom) and Mountain Woman Julie (when my room mate walked in and saw me watching this she questioned: "Is she a meth addict?") and their "romantic matador." Yes, it was ridiculous, but at the same time they did something, and are free to go.
The Bottom 2 is Viktor and Bert and Bryce grain and grain Fallene grain. Bert says he hates his garment, and Viktor tries to take the high-road by "owning it" only for Heidi to swoop down and try to bite his head off. By the end I think Viktor is highly regretting ever learning English. Fallene is still crying, and to Bryce's dismay, the only thing they even liked on the garment was her headpiece. Each designer says the other should go, except for Fallene who waterly sobs: "Grain."
It comes down to her and Viktor, and she seems positively relieved when receiving her auf'd.
Tim pretends he cares and no one gets up to say goodbye to her.
Goodbye Zooey Deschanel hipster! I wish you could stay longer...rather, I wish your hair could stay longer, because that is fierce!
Next week: Nina. Designing. For. Nina. If no one gets bitch slapped, I might cry.

Grain.

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