Monday, August 29, 2011

Project Runway Season 9 Episode 5 RECAP

Hello there faithful readers!

Okay I know, I know.
But here's my excuse: Bitchy girls.
That's right, you heard me. Bitchy girls. Fake people. People that pretend to be your friend and then just stop calling and come up with some fake ass excuse.
Okay I'm done. Just had to get that off my chest.
And just to let you know, while I appreciate an AMPLE amount of bitchiness on my reality TV...let's be real, who actually wants that in their life?
Speaking of the bitchiness of this week of Project Runway (why do I always abuse one word a week? Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy.) DAMN it's back. I might (MIGHT) even rewatch this one on, like in the good old days. Nothing like physical pain, drama, and hugging in bathroom stalls to lighten up my Thursday.
So this episode starts with Cecelia getting out of bed in some amazing night gown she should have worn week one, and informing us she really doesn't even want to get up. I guess that's why she has bed head. Oh wait, she always had bed head. And not the sexy kind.
Anyways, the designers are left with some packages containing athletic wear and in this casual garb they head to the gym. Or a giant indoor track. Olympic Challenge...Take 2?
Tim Gunn. Is wearing. A jacket. Button Up. Tie. AND JEANS AND SNEAKERS. Sometimes, I wonder if he sleeps in his suit. Can't you just see him showering in his dress shoes? Going for a morning jog in a bow tie? Heading out to his water aerobics class with a lapel? Making love with his...Oh wait, that just got creepy.
So here's the challenge: design for sneakers (???) for Heidi (???) in groups of three (???). The first four to finish a lap around the track get to be the team leaders.
Cecelia decides that she can't deal with this and leaves. No more explanation needed, no more asked. Everyone puts their best pouty faces and fakey-fake: "She needs to do what she needs to do for herself." Fake. Bitches.
May I just say I called Joshua would win this motherfucker TWO WEEKS AGO? Your welcome ;).
Anyways, my boy Joshua finishes first, followed by Bryce, Anthony, and Viktor. HELLO healthy gay men. What a shocker.
Also not a shocker, Olivier is much too skinny to run the damn thing and passes out somewhere in the middle. For a second, it's touch and go. And by touch and go, I mean for me when I see how ugly his hair looks when he's passed out.
Olivier returns after a valiant trip to the midnight hospital ward and several stitches in his, dark hair (oh wait, that was Season 1) more embarrassed than injured.
Josh nabs Anya and gets stuck with a stare-y Becky, Bryce stays safe with Kimberly and Danielle, Viktor picks Olivier and chooses to revive bald Mormon guy and us bloggers having to loose last initials, and Anthony picks his straight lover Laura and gets stuck with Bert.
Could we not have put Bert, Becky, and Viktor on the same team, in a small room, with only eight hours to work, and seen who lived? My votes on Tim.
Let me simple the working process down to this:
Bert calls Anthony Andrew and explains he only remembers the memorable people. Bert, honey, Anthony has been in the top EVERY SINGLE WEEK. If he's not memorable as your competition...I mean, he better be designing some camel/butt toe ugly gym short romper if you ever want to get out of their alive! (Oh wait...)
Joshua, who has decided Becky is the seamstress.
But Becky is understandbly angry and slams the bathroom stall door in the camera mans face after Josh tell her her clothes are dowdy.
Thank you so much, Josh. Who doesn't love a bitchy gay truth teller who makes great television?
My adoration for Josh continues as he takes out Bert.
"Drop dread!" Bert yells. (Drop Dead Diva...Tonight at 9! Lifetime displays at the bottom of the screen, hey, free advertisement!)
"You're closer to death than me!" Josh yells back. Fuck. Yes.
"That may be a blessing with you around!" Bert shouts. Hey, for being 0234902348093284023984023489 years-old, he's pretty quick on his feet on comebacks. But that may be a blessing for us the viewers, Berty.
(Can you tell I'm in a bad mood?)
The runway is a hot mess and I am beyond happy. Heidi always is trying to make them do their work and pair evening gowns with sneakers and such, so it just makes me laugh when it doesn't work out for her. How low budget is this, by the way? Last challenge design for Nina, this challenge for Heidi? Come on, PR.
Memorable runway pieces:
Anya's dress I loved WITH the racing stripe.
Josh's jacketed cuteness.
Viktor's adorable dress.
The atrociousness that is Anthony Ryan's garment.

Basically, the runway is drama. Everyone is throwing everyone under the bus. Becky is crying. Bert is having a heart attack (can they get married?). Josh jumps off the stage and beats up Heidi.

In the end, Heidi can't pick a best or a worst, the whole thing is way too much for her tiny model brain. So she names both Josh (HELL YES) and Viktor as the winners.
She boots under-the-radar Danielle on another green blouse.

Come on PR, let's do this again every week!
Blogging Life, just bloggin' life

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